I did it.
Drew a line in the sand.
And said I wanted something more.
And all he wrote was that seems unfair.
But the thing is, it's actually perfectly fair.
This is my story.
And I cast the characters.
At least the ones who stick around.
Well.
Some of them leave before I want them to.
But that's their story.
I'm not sure what came over me.
But something in me awakened and was tired of being ignored.
And I didn't want to play anymore.
We'd set a date to meet this week.
And instead of being excited to finally see him again I realized I didn't really want to go.
I didn't want to sleep with him.
In fact I'd rather do anything else with anyone else.
My heart wasn't the same anymore.
I lied and told him I couldn't meet.
And then I made plans with my friends.
And I suggested maybe we could meet sometime next week.
Next week I'm on vacation so I won't be around much.
And that was it.
I'd seen him twice this month.
Twice.
Since Christmas Eve.
What were we even doing?
I didn't even feel like he liked me very much.
He rarely texted.
He never complimented me.
And I'd worked so very hard to be patient and understanding and wait.
Just wait.
For him to be excited to see me again.
I sent him the photo I'd been holding onto, the drunk selfies I took on our first date, when I'd put on his glasses and thought I was hilarious.
And adorable.
And all he said was hahahaha!
If he would have just told me I was adorable maybe I would have met him for that drink on Thursday.
But my needs weren't being met.
And they haven't been.
And I looked at my heart and it nodded in agreement.
You're settling.
Because being with someone who doesn't make you feel beautiful is better than being alone.
Ok. You're great, but I'm looking for a connection with someone who makes time with me more of a priority.
And he didn't try and change my mind.
And with my one text, it was over.
But I didn't regret it.
In fact somewhere buried in me I felt relieved.
The thing is.
People think being single is this unfortunate thing that happens to you.
Like you lost some contest and singledom is your consolation prize.
But I have so many friends whose circumstances are making their decisions for them.
And they have to make their choices work.
Their relationships have already been selected.
And they don't have any say in it anymore.
And some of them are glad.
And some of them know they are settling.
Because it seems the thing to do.
And I've had this urge, this ache, crying out in my heart for something more.
Something that shakes me, moves me, challenges and scares the shit out of me.
Someone who misses their bus just so they can stay and have a drink with me.
Because in that moment, I'm all that matters.
I'm where they want to be.
And he's out there.
It's out there.
The kind of intensity that makes the rest of the crowded bar blur away.
And feeling the rejection of Marvin's indifference I reached out and texted some kid I'd decided not to go on a second date with.
And in one text he made me feel more validated than Marvin had in weeks.
And life makes me laugh.
Because there are so many wrong guys out there.
Each with a tiny fraction of what I'm looking for.
Or what I think I'm looking for.
What I'm hoping for.
And one day one of these wrong guys is going to take my breath away when I blink and in that second see he's actually right for me.
Unlike any of those before him.
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