And as she said that last line I finally broke down.
And sobbed.
They weren't beautiful streaming tears.
I wept, shaking.
She got up and sat beside me and wrapped her arms around me.
I hadn't cried like this over him in so long.
It felt comforting to finally have the release.
To accept that it was always going to be a part of me, the sweet pain.
Eventually it wouldn't be so fresh and the sting wouldn't be the prevailing feeling on my heart.
Why does it have to end like this? Why couldn't we have just parted on good terms?
Because, she said, you needed to destroy it so there wasn't this lingering feeling in the back of your minds. You guys needed to come together and things needed to fall apart so they would be finished.
I wanted to accept that as the truth.
But the hope in my heart, hidden in a dark corner, still believed this wasn't really our end.
There are a lot of things my heart just won't ever accept.
We left and as I was stepping into my car I glanced at my phone.
I saw a text.
Hey. Just got home....
It was my new lover.
The one who helped me forget my ex lover never loved me.
I got in my car and looked at my reflection in the mirror.
Black mascara smeared around my eyes.
My fake lashes were falling off so I peeled them off.
I looked like a wreck.
I sighed.
You should go home, I thought. You should be strong alone. You shouldn't use sex to forget about him.
And then I looked at my reflection deeper and thought, But I Love. Sex. And I want it. Now.
I drove to his house and his neighborhood looked familiar so late in the night.
Those east side houses all look the same.
It's all the same in the dark.
I was surprised how happy I felt seeing his smiling face at the door.
I guess I really did need to see him.
Specifically, him.
We went upstairs and as my head was on the pillow, his lips on mine, my head began to spin.
I breathed deeply and pulled away.
I'm dizzy, I whispered.
You ok? He asked. You want some water?
No, and I just rolled toward him and buried my face in his chest.
You want a little coke? He asked.
To my surprise, I calmly replied, No, I'm ok, like he'd just offered me a little ice cream or a little tea.
It's strange how in the right timing things that would bother you suddenly don't matter at all.
He was simply trying to make me feel better the ways he knew how.
And that felt nice.
How was your day? I mumbled.
Not so great. My boss has really been on my case. I broke up with my girlfriend three months ago and ever since things have been....
I closed my eyes as he went on, breathing deeply as the vibrations echoed in my ear.
His voice was so deep.
It made him sound big and important like some narrator in some film.
I liked hearing him talk.
He was open and honest.
He'd gone on a bender months back.
He talked to me like I was someone who'd been in his life for years.
No filter, no pretense, just...real.
Can I tell you something? I finally broke from my reverie. It's really nice to know I'm not the only one whose fucked up.
And I finally opened my eyes and looked up at him.
He smiled.
There they are, he said. There are those beautiful eyes.
I melted.
Sleepy, happy, melted.
In to him.
And after as we lay there in a haze, I felt calm.
I've exhausted so much energy on seeking answers, understanding, reconciliation, rage.
I felt so depleted, like that light within me had vanished.
And it really only took a sideways smile from a lover to remind me how full of life I am.
And maybe that's wrong.
But that's my coke.
And we all need some way to cope with the debilitating disappointments of life.
And I knew, wherever he was, whatever new girl he had in his arms, whatever high in his hands and on his tongue, my ex lover was coping too.
And maybe when we both happen to be looking at the sky searching for the stars behind the clouds, we might even reach into our pockets simultaneously, and remember each other.
Far away, but somehow forever present.
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