kiss by the book

I got what I wanted. 

I always get what I want. 

He kissed me. 

He didn't just kiss me, he finally invited me over. 

The nice guy.

No. 

The fucking, creme de la creme of rare, wonderful gentlemen guys.

He finally stuck his fucking tongue down my fucking throat. 

After four lovely incredible dates. 

I felt nothing. 

Fucking numb. 

Sazerac on my tongue. 

Manhattan clouding my head. 

Anticipation mounting.

His hand had been on my thigh.

And he finally leaned in and placed his mouth on mine. 

Fuck.

Fucking fuck.

How could it be like this?

Nothing?

Fucking nothing?

No chemistry. 

Nothing. 

Not a flicker in my panties. 

Not for all the delicious rye in the world. 

What the fuck is life trying to prove to me?

You see that guy whose in transition?

Whose in his own wounded recovery, who looks into your vibrant eyes nervously?

You see that guy who makes you laugh and feel ok that you're ordering another drink while he's still sipping his first, the guy who always texts you after each date to tell you how swell you are.

The guy you were looking forward to seeing all week. 

You don't 

Enjoy

Kissing.

Fuck.

f u c c c K K k

And I'm not really sure what I can even do except laugh. 

I had two offers within 48 hours to fuck two attractive men who looked at me like I was Elizabeth Taylor.

And I turned them both down. 

I don't understand. 

I don't fucking understand chemistry at all.

And you know I blame him. 

For putting his hands on my body. 

For awakening a beast in me he wasn't planning to satisfy. 

I feel restless.

I think I understand why people must use drugs. 

I want to escape. 

To feel balanced again. 

And I want him to feel the same chaos in his skin that's preventing me from sleep. 

I want to take it all back. 

Every kiss

Every fuck

Every intoxicating glance.

Anything to make me stable once again. 

Because nothing else will get me high

No one else makes me quiver

And I didn't used to feel like this 

I don't even know what this is

But I'd give anything to go back

To undo

To not do the things that placed this craving in my skin 

To go back to the girl who enjoyed kissing strangers

Before this beast, this insatiable beast was awakened

Aching 

For that connection

That fucked up tormenting connection

That only he could bring.