Bumble is the Worst

I've been the Queen of Tinder for years.

I wear my crown proudly. 

So when a girlfriend told me about this dating site called Bumble, I wasn't so sure. 

But out with the old, as they say, and why the fuck not.

What did I have to lose?

So I've been on for... a week?

And so far I've encountered more condescending, self serving arrogant mother fuckers than all my years on Tinder combined. 

What the hell is wrong with you Rumble?

I've renamed it because I mistakenly keep calling it Rumble anyway. And Bumble is a pretty stupid name anyway. 

I talked to one guy and we started to make plans to meet up. 

And since I'm always in the city, I suggested a bar I heard was supposed to be good. 

To which he responded, umm, can you come to Beaverton?

I should preface this with earlier in our flirtatious banter he said he would meet me "anywhere you want."

So to suddenly be a square on the whereabouts of our rendezvous was a buzz kill. 

And since I didn't want to meet at a Mcmennamins in Beaverton, as those are literally the only bars in suburbia that exist, I simply wrote that I was in the city tonight and perhaps we could meet another night. 

To which HE responded, Well you have to come back at some point right?

Eew.

It's not the not wanting to drive to northeast Portland I don't understand. 

Some people don't constantly drive into the city like I do, I get it. 

It was the dipshit tone he used and as mother always says, this is a man on his best behavior, it only goes downhill from here. 

So his best behavior was, Umm, I don't like to spend gas money on pussy.

Blegh.

Next. 

Next mother fucker, maybe I should rename the app mother fucker because that is actually fairly accurate, and he seems flirty and fun, so we make plans to meet up spontaneously --which I love, by the bye, what are you doing right now? Let's meet.--But then he's like, send me a pic?

Send you a pic?

There are five on my profile, asshole.

And I'm thinking, ok, men are visual, maybe he thinks he's being flirty, so I just say, You won't be able to miss me in my pink lace dress. 

To which he responds, I won't believe it without a pic. 

Uuuuuggggghhhhhhh.

So you know what I said because I give absolutely NO fucks?

I said, You know, I just wanted to get laid tonight and you've totally taken the fun out of it. 

And he wrote some dick response about being cat fished before and wanting to make sure he wasn't "wasting his time" and I should get over myself. 

I have never encountered such difficulty on Tinder. 

On Tinder you talk, you make plans to meet and you meet. 

And sometimes, you fuck.

But it's not so fucking difficult. 

And you know what? 

I'm not gonna hold your fucking hand through this process. 

Yeah, sometimes maybe people won't be as hot in their pictures when you sit across from them at the bar. 

That's part of the risk you take in participating in this dating game. 

Just like I, and every poor bitch out there, takes a risk when she agrees to go home with you. 

Maybe you have a tiny dick. 

Maybe you won't know how to use the average sized dick you do have.

Maybe you'll high five me after sex or tell me to move down the bed because you don't want me to hit my head and you're gonna be Jack Rabbit the Sequel. 

But I don't get to ask you to whip it out and show me at the dinner table. 

I have to take a fucking risk and just go for it. 

Because dating is a gamble. 

And if I have to put up with so much then you can fucking drive to the bar I want to meet and deal with the profile pictures as your only gauge of how fucking gorgeous I am. 

I don't have the energy to put up with this shit. 

So I unmatched both the fuckers and I even unmatched another asshole I was supposed to meet tonight simply for the constant borderline creepy messages he sent me. 

Are you not wearing a bra in that one picture and did you blur out your nipples?

Wow. 

Fucking wow. 

Now that I know you've already been jerking off to me I'll pass on cocktails. 

Those rights are exclusively lover only. 

Or at least be a fucking perv in private. 

Let me have the delusion that you're a gentleman before the disappointing sex. 

Is that really so much to ask??