And not in a cool way like that Monday I rolled into work with the same fake lashes I'd put on the night before in that hot little sequin dress that I magically don't have to wear a bra with.
Like, fuck, right?
Have you seen these mangoes outside of a bra??
No, I'm a mess like all of the food in my fridge is food that should be thrown away.
There are eggs in there I don't know how old they are.
I'll be like, yeah, I'm cooking.
Look at me fry an egg.
I'm domestic and shit.
Like that time I made pasta for that ass hat who then wasn't even hungry and so we just fucked.
Actually that was kinda hot, like, I'm hungrier for your pussy than your pasta.
Shit, did I just write the Olive Garden's new slogan?
And then my egg frying lasts all of a week but I live alone so I didn't eat the whole dozen eggs and then I remember how much I really hate cooking so I go back to going out to eat all the time and then one day I open my fridge and I'm like, I still have eggs?
When did I even buy these?
And I realize there is nothing edible in my apartment.
Literally no fucking food.
So I text like, everyone I know.
Cuz the sweet guy I was supposed to meet had to cancel cuz he's going out of town tomorrow.
Safe travels, dude, see you next week, maybe.
And the sober kid texted me Tea with me tonight??
And ugh, god, tea, eck, I'd rather DIE so I lied and said I was busy because I wanted to DRINK and you can't tell that to an alcoholic cuz then you're THAT ASSHOLE but seriously how can I even be dating a guy whose sober am I supposed to have coitus after my jasmine tea?
Gross.
So no one normal who will drink with me is answering my texts ARE YOU ALL HAVING SEX SERIOUSLY WHY CANT ANYONE HANG OUT WITH ME
So then I remember that bar five minutes from my house has the best Cobb salad ever and I'll just take myself on a date and it's well drink Tuesday so my whiskey's only $2.50
Two fifty?! I don't even care what it tastes like
And yeah this is great I got my whiskey and my headphones and I'm gonna watch my show using my friends Hulu account but then I realize my phone's about to die cuz I spent so much time composing a seriously what the fuck message to that seriously fucked fuck face and also I was probably on Instagram and Facebook WAY too much cuz sometimes a girls gotta multi task at the office
So then I have to give my phone to the waitress to charge so then I have no show but I do have my Cobb and I order another drink cuz two fifty whiskey whoooo
But the bartender walks away and forgets my crappy whiskey and starts helping other people and giving those happy people their beers and shitty whiskey and I just sit there with no phone and no whiskey and feel like WHY IS EVERYONE REJECTING ME
And then I get home and climb into bed in my underwear and my cat looks at me disapprovingly and I want sugar now like right now but there is no sugar no chocolate candy nothing because there's no food in my apartment because I am a hot mess and I'm so angry that I don't have sugar and angry he doesn't love me and I just want to kill him and then I want him to come back to life so I can kill him again
And seriously what the fuck why hasn't he texted me
I'm not even pmsing I'm just seriously such a fucking hot mess right now
I need to get laid.
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