the cost of being a unicorn

I'm not sure I always trust timing. 

I certainly never understand it. 

I suppose I should. 

Trust it, that is.

I guess I can buy the whole things working out for a reason and if it's not meant to be let it go it will come back if it is.

But you know that all feels like a lotta bullshit to try to soften the blow that sometimes things just get fucking messed up.

And sometimes I really just think that's poor decision making on their part. 

Or my part. 

But we're obviously talking about his mistakes here. 

Naturally.

I am definitely someone who responds to people's actions. 

That's ridiculous. 

Everyone responds. 

Then if everyone responds, I really respond. 

Like, the normal reaction would be to plan another date, I'll plan six dates. 

I'm an extremist in response. 

So when he told me he had to follow his heart and ditch me to pursue some other vagina, I hopped back on Tinder for the first time in weeks.

And I made a few dates. 

And the day I hopped back on to Tinder I made a date for that same night. 

With a married couple. 

I've been curious for awhile and the idea of being the guest star in some couple's bed has always seemed like a fantasy I was made for, considering I've been the other woman for many a fool and also, I'm a star, bitch.

I've never been with a woman before and adding a man to the mix seemed the best way to test those waters, a little something old with something new. 

I was excited for my date and a little nervous but mostly excited and excited for how adventurous I was being when it had only been a few days since I'd heard from him and his I just don't know how to respond to you right now and if he didn't know he would never know because after a year of missing me if you're not falling all over yourself writing a love song to win me back then this isn't what I thought it was anyway.

So I put my energy into someone new. 

We met at my favorite bar and I wore my favorite little sequin velvet dress and when I walked in some ladies asked if I was performing. 

No, I just have a date.

You look amazing, they gushed, and it was just the little ego boost I needed for my night of potential debauchery.

I didn't really know what to expect but when they got there and we all started talking it felt more like we were long lost friends catching up then anything saucy or scandalous. 

She was quirky and adorable and they both laughed at my stupid jokes and he was sweet and made lingering eye contact and I felt comfortable and excited. 

We made plans to meet again that week and after some goodnight kissing outside the bar I left, giddy.

And if I'd never been rejected by the kid I thought I could fall in love with I never would have gone back on Tinder and met this incredible couple who just happened to be in town for two weeks. 

Timing. 

And the next night I messaged him, the ex love, and he actually called me, Men still call? And it was nice to talk, though a little bit weird and we ended up talking for two hours in the middle of the night, which made it even stranger, Men talk on the phone for two hours? 

And I told him that if he'd never followed his heart to do what he needed to do I never would have had this other experience, an experience I think I kinda needed to have. 

And then he suddenly chimed in, Oh that. That fell apart the moment I made the decision.

I was silent.

What??

Yeah, that didn't work out. It actually didn't work out because of you. Because she found out about you.

More silence.

It took him like twenty, thirty minutes to share this and to say I was stunned would be an understatement. 

Why would she care you were sleeping with me? Were you ever actually broken up??!

Yes, but she already had an issue with you from before, she knew about you last year and knew I had feelings for you and--never mind, I shouldn't be talking to you about this. 

Umm. Yes you should! I deserve to know the truth.

Well who knows, if you'd never come to my concert, maybe things could have worked out. I guess we both had a strong impact on each other's lives.

I don't know what to say, was all I could get out. 

I genuinely didn't know what to say. 

I went to him that night. 

Even though I didn't know what was gonna happen. 

I didn't even know what I wanted to happen. 

But we were drawn to each other, like two little lost souls clinging to one another in the dark. 

And it felt incredible, the electricity once again dancing on my skin from being so near him.

And I didn't understand what timing this was. 

Or would be.

And when I left early in the morning he was too tired to even open his eyes to look at me. 

And then I never heard from him again. 

And I knew I probably never would.